I'm back

So I've looked at this blog a few times last year and thought, wow that was a dark place you were, or who was that person?  Even reading the posts two years later, I feel so removed from that person and much of that pain is gone lost to the past. :) Refreshing!   I have taken a less active roll in my spiritual development last year.  I was focusing more on career and relationships.  It was not a stand still, but a slow trickle.  I can say that this year has kicked off in full force!  It has been wonderful and challenging and much needed.

Oh yeah!

smashed teeth

I had a dream the other night that my teeth were smashed, I'm not sure exactly how this happened but this man standing next to me was involved somehow. The top row of my teeth were jagged and randomly broken. One of the teeth fell out and I searched along the ground to find it and put it in my pocket. A random thought to put it in milk crosses my mind, but at this point, it's probably pointless.

No pain, just embarrassment when I want to smile or talk. People asking and wondering why someone like me has smashed up teeth. Someone gives me a referral number to a dentist that would be open at this time of night. I hope they accept my insurance (or at least give me care and I'll deal with the cost later) or can offer me some affordable help ( I hope) I make the man who had contributed in the smashing of my teeth come with me.

He is totally unaware that he had any part in this situation. When we arrive at the clinic, I hope that he'll help or stay with me but he decides he needs a teeth cleaning and makes a walk in appointment. He waits to be called back for his cleaning. The clinic is strange and it's evening and I wonder how many people just walk into a dentist with such damage at this time of day.

I speak with the secretary about when my teeth can be repaired. I smile at something the man says, but remember the horrible appearance of my teeth and I quickly muffle my smile. I can feel the glances from the others in the waiting room. I stay strong and know I can handle this, they are just teeth and can hopefully be repaired.

The secretary informs me it will take multiple visits and I nod and watch as the man stands up and walks back to get his teeth cleaned.

Michigan

First day in was good. It's great to come back to something so familiar. Got lots of hugs from my mom. Had a party at my Aunt's w/a bunch of the family. Good times!

Trying to find comfort in Buddha

Christmas weekend in Florida. Ahhh so many emotions and realizations. It's nice to feel like I'm finally learning some of those important life lessons and really coming to terms with who I am and not compromising that. I've been trying to remember the things I've read from the Buddha and the things I learned in my Vipassana course to help me through my feelings.

Honestly I was feeling pretty sad and lonely on Friday, instead of sitting in my apt, i biked over to Wekiva Springs. I was determined to make the most of my day and commune with nature. It is definitely something I need to make a regular habit. . Of course the fact that I was going alone gave me a pang but then I remembered to appreciate myself and enjoy the ride. Most people I know would love to have some alone time. The park was pretty and the weather a nice 75'. I was thinking about how I wanted him to be there and honestly seeing the couples and families everywhere was nice and I reminded myself I'll have that some day, just not right now and I need to learn to be happy with myself. Its something I've def been wrestling with lately. Those desires have been taunting me. "Desire is the root of all suffering."

I almost went swimming in the spring but I didn't have anything to wear an my underclothes were a bit see through. I'm daring,but not that much! I will def bring a change of clothes and jump in next time. The average temp of the spring is 73'. There were also some canoes to rent. I hope to take a trip and hopefully next time I can convince someone to head over there with me.

Biked home after a couple hours of trail walking and biking around the park. Stopped and got a bottle of wine, ice cream and ordered a pizza. Watched some movies on netflix and had a nice evening relaxing. Honestly the only reason I was sad is because the day was Christmas eve. In those moments I had nothing really wrong, but once again my focus on what wasn't overwhelmed me. “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

The next day after some self reflection, a friend who taught in Korea came by to pick me up. I was def reminded how traveling and making new friends is real and happens all the time. Spent the day playing scrabble which honestly I don't' think I've ever played an entire game before in my life. It was nice to be with people and enjoy the day together. Great talks and an interesting independent film about gangs in Mexico. Of course my mind started spinning and I started thinking about how people work their emotional motivations and cultural pressures. All these basic things and cycles we go through that is our reality and individual life. what is right and wrong. ahh my mind goes all over the place. what makes our lives all so different and what we deem better and worse etc. what are we all really doing anyways? and what does it matter? "A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffereing."

Called him when I got home and had a long talk with him and of course I was sad we didn't spend any time together and why is that? Because this day has the name Christmas and there are certain ways that things are 'supposed' to be. but why is that? He's still working every day, feeling exhausted and there I am crying about how because it's Christmas weekend things are supposed to be different. He's helping his family, working a job he hates that is physically demanding and there I am desiring things which is causing me suffering. Reasons why we are still technically broken up but yet that doesn't change our feelings. Sigh, I'm not sure how to understand it all sometimes. "There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills."

Now it's Sunday and I'm going to have me some Sunday Funday...I think I'll venture out into the world and see where it takes me!

Oh and I'm going home on Wednesday so...I'll get lots of HUGS!!

quick update

From last post update
* break up was good it helped eliminate some of the pressure we had put ourselves to make things perfect. although we are still acting like we are together. i guess a label is just a label, but i'm happy that some things changed for the better.
*didn't cut hair, waiting for spring and then we'll see. maintaining a short blonde pixie prob wouldn't fit into my life right now.
* got some furniture from the Mustard Seed! yeah soo greatful, i would have never been able to afford anything, i'm barely maintaining my normal expenses let alone getting furniture. hopefully getting a bed and kitchen table next month!
* things at job are going better. :)
* starting team service project with cities of service next month!! yeah!

Past and Present 2 months in Florida

Okay so lets recap the past 2 months I've been here.
Drove down from Michigan to Florida- did all the driving myself.
Car got towed on Orange Avenue downtown Orlando with ticket.
Found cute one bedroom that I could afford near work.
Involved in a car collision which resulted in my car being totaled-no major injuries.
Learning the bus system, it's going okay.
Broke up with boyfriend. (it was a mutual breakup)
Got library card! enjoying the Orange County Library System and still trying to go without internet at my apt.
Creating activity plan for Quest North Works.

Future plans.
Cut and dye hair for a big change and def join a gym (start working out more) That always helps the self esteem.
Bicycle or motor scooter...prob bicycle to start out with....
get furniture for apt!! Dec 11th made apt w/local charity The Mustard Seed.
Finish schedule for December with weekly outings with area D.
Join a networking site, maybe start dating again...ugh. lol
Start rosetta stone spanish? hmmm need to figure that out.
Start tutoring?
Well these are all good thoughts, not sure what I'll actually end up doing, I guess we'll see what actually happens!

Curious about the world around me.....

These weekly leadership meetings help to re inspire me. I can get caught up in the every day things and feelings. Comparing, judging myself on silly things. It's good to get back to what's important every week to keep my focus on why I came down here and what I'm doing. It's all going to come together and every week I feel like that is reinforced and I take a deep breath and let those other things fall away and refocus.
Our presentation today just made me more determined to keep my plans alive. I also felt more passionate about seeing Public Allies go to Detroit. It would be amazing to be a part of that. I believe in Detroit, my family is there, no matter how hard I try to fight it, it's my home. Don't' get me wrong, I love traveling, I love meeting new people, but as I get older and more focused on what I want out of life, making my home in Detroit just always seems like the only answer. My boyfriend mentioned to me the other day that no matter how many people I have around me he noticed that I always still feel lonely if my family isn't there, he's right. I've spend months overseas, having amazing times and loving every minute of it, but the pang of loneliness always creeps in and I miss my family.
How amazing would it be if I could have my base there and go out take others out into the world to explore! Make a better name for Detroit, show people how amazing it is!! despite the cold weather, it just makes me more determined to create a better world through that base.

I will remain curious about the world around me and learn from it! Be deliberiate with your thoughts and those things will be attracted to you.....