Christmas weekend in Florida. Ahhh so many emotions and realizations. It's nice to feel like I'm finally learning some of those important life lessons and really coming to terms with who I am and not compromising that. I've been trying to remember the things I've read from the Buddha and the things I learned in my Vipassana course to help me through my feelings.
Honestly I was feeling pretty sad and lonely on Friday, instead of sitting in my apt, i biked over to Wekiva Springs. I was determined to make the most of my day and commune with nature. It is definitely something I need to make a regular habit. . Of course the fact that I was going alone gave me a pang but then I remembered to appreciate myself and enjoy the ride. Most people I know would love to have some alone time. The park was pretty and the weather a nice 75'. I was thinking about how I wanted him to be there and honestly seeing the couples and families everywhere was nice and I reminded myself I'll have that some day, just not right now and I need to learn to be happy with myself. Its something I've def been wrestling with lately. Those desires have been taunting me. "Desire is the root of all suffering."
I almost went swimming in the spring but I didn't have anything to wear an my underclothes were a bit see through. I'm daring,but not that much! I will def bring a change of clothes and jump in next time. The average temp of the spring is 73'. There were also some canoes to rent. I hope to take a trip and hopefully next time I can convince someone to head over there with me.
Biked home after a couple hours of trail walking and biking around the park. Stopped and got a bottle of wine, ice cream and ordered a pizza. Watched some movies on netflix and had a nice evening relaxing. Honestly the only reason I was sad is because the day was Christmas eve. In those moments I had nothing really wrong, but once again my focus on what wasn't overwhelmed me. “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
The next day after some self reflection, a friend who taught in Korea came by to pick me up. I was def reminded how traveling and making new friends is real and happens all the time. Spent the day playing scrabble which honestly I don't' think I've ever played an entire game before in my life. It was nice to be with people and enjoy the day together. Great talks and an interesting independent film about gangs in Mexico. Of course my mind started spinning and I started thinking about how people work their emotional motivations and cultural pressures. All these basic things and cycles we go through that is our reality and individual life. what is right and wrong. ahh my mind goes all over the place. what makes our lives all so different and what we deem better and worse etc. what are we all really doing anyways? and what does it matter? "A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffereing."
Called him when I got home and had a long talk with him and of course I was sad we didn't spend any time together and why is that? Because this day has the name Christmas and there are certain ways that things are 'supposed' to be. but why is that? He's still working every day, feeling exhausted and there I am crying about how because it's Christmas weekend things are supposed to be different. He's helping his family, working a job he hates that is physically demanding and there I am desiring things which is causing me suffering. Reasons why we are still technically broken up but yet that doesn't change our feelings. Sigh, I'm not sure how to understand it all sometimes. "There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills."
Now it's Sunday and I'm going to have me some Sunday Funday...I think I'll venture out into the world and see where it takes me!
Oh and I'm going home on Wednesday so...I'll get lots of HUGS!!
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